Believe that you can be happy

Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you pursue it the more it evades you. The moment you stop this pursuit, it miraculously return to you. Holding that school of thought, what then is the pursuit of happiness? Is happiness really that hard to come by? Or it is just a dream that could only be lived by certain people… Today I had learnt that one requires courage to be happy and to hold onto happiness. I remembered confiding in someone that it is hard for me to experience happiness in its genuine and purest form because I had since lost the essence of it. The concept or rather, emotion of happiness had thus slipped through my hands and disappeared in my soul. I shall spare myself the agony of dwelling upon the details of the causes of such predicament. Instead I would like to clarify that while the ghosts of the pasts could affect me no further, it had actually impaired me from venturing into the future, which is equally tormenting and melancholic for someone like me. The greatest irony amidst the situation is the inner yearning of happiness in me, the desire to be happy and to believe that I could genuinely be happy without a tinge of doubt and sarcasm.. The measurement of happiness will forever remain a mystery in the depth of my heartstrings.

i think you should go.

there is something melancholic, yet sweet, about being a single parent.
a river of emotions flowed through my veins, as i felt the life beating in me.
I could feel his heartbeat, literally.
I know that we will never be apart.
Nothing can separate us.

It was not that we do not love each other.
Sometimes, somehow, things just do not work out for us.
Inappropriate timings, unexpected happenings, unwanted incidents, unnecessary expectations, are some of the reasons we chose to live by to justify the actual cause of our breakdown.
None of us actually investigated the genuine reason of the demise of our love; none of us dared to.
You and me, we both knew the depth of our love.
We both know how much effort we have sacrificed, on our part, albeit to turn out being a total wastage.
Life is full of choices, and yet we inflicted the vice of indecisiveness upon ourselves.
At least now, we are both making a stand.
This time, we loved ourselves too much to be subjected to pain and agony again.

And nothing hurts me more to see that we are now apart, not in status, not by law.
But rather, by an avalanche of unspoken thoughts and a whirlpool of unexpressed emotions.
I concealed the news of my pregnancy from you, because thats the only part of you I have left with me, and the last thing I wanted, was for you to seize it from me.
You have given me sufficient memories to last till the end of time, I assumed.
Nonetheless, it was not enough. It was never enough.
On hindsight, you could never give me enough memories to last; it was exhausted shortly within hours.
I tried to stall it but to no avail.
I tried to erase you from it but it was impossible.
I chained myself mercilessly to the reverie of our past; here I am, a living convict within the boundaries of you.
Each time I felt him, I thought I felt you.
Perhaps love is no longer the emotion that we comprehend on common ground.

As I sealed the papers with my signature, I held onto my womb and closed my eyes.
“Its just me and you against the world now baby. Let us be strong together, mother and son.”

And that was the last I have ever heard or seen your existence.

what went wrong.

what went wrong, mr li.
what went wrong between you, me and us.

what has happened to our friendship.
i miss you mr li. i hate to admit it, but i really do.
i have to force myself to be heartless, whenever i thought of you.
i do not like to be heartless, but i could. if i have to.
if you want me to.

the distance between us had maimed any channel of communication
any opportunity of reconciliation destroyed by the depth of our aloofness

things have gone too far, and the hurt, way too deep..
if this is what we used to regard as friendship, then i guess im better off without it..
perhaps i am better off without you, as a friend, in my life.

Life does provide choices, what it does not provide are solutions to problems.
Choices would determine consequences which would in turn account for solutions.
So, its evident that you have made a choice and are living with the consequence.
How much of a solution it is to you would be your personal secret. of which, is none of my concern.

Now, it is my concern to, however, make a decision and act upon it.
Or at least instigate myself to act upon it. Coerce my mind to go against heart.
Allow them to cross paths and create animosity.
Either way, its still gonna hurt. Just as bad.

looking through her eyes.

She holds the key to my heart.
She is the only human on Earth who could invoke emotions and provoke them out of me.
She is the only person who could make lost the ability of staying strong and the ability of not breaking down.

Tears surfaced at the corner of my eyes as I heard her speak, word by word, catching her breath after each word.
Her ears were watery as she confided in me the pain she had to undergo each morning.
She showed me the scar that was left behind after the operation where she had to adjust her vein. I was appalled at the fact that she kept hushed about it over the years.
I stretched out my hand to touch hers, warm and assuring against the cold surface of mine.
A total contradiction.
The wrinkles on her hand were the evidence of the years that she had toiled without any complains.
Together, we reminisced the past. We reviewed the memories that were so close to our heart despite knowing that it might elude us one day.
She was a symbol of strength, the pillar of resiliency.
And she still is. Just lacking in energy at times.

I scrutinized each and every feature on her ebony and slightly pigmented face.
Signs of old age resided comfortably on that oval shaped face of hers.
Signs of old age that I never know, or rather, convinced myself to acknowledge, until today.
I cannot bring myself to admit the fact that age is seriously catching up on her, faster than the speed of light.
But I have to.

I pray that God would bless her with days of bliss and peace, and make her days last the longest that it could last.
Dont take her away from me. Please God. I beg of you. Have mercy.
I choked on my words as I opened my mouth, intending to comfort her. But nothing came out.
I had to fake a smile to conceal the tears that were dying to escape from the sockets of my eyes.
I chose not to confront the issue just so that she would not see me breaking down and losing control of myself.
I had to be strong in front of her, as much as I do not want to.

Grandmama,
I love you more than words could say, more than my actions could prove.

HAPPY 2010!

Finally 2009 is over. I fucking hate that year.
Nonetheless, I thank God for it. All the experiences and life lessons that I have encountered and learn respectively.

No resolutions for this year, i no longer believe in that.
Seizing every moment and doing my best in whatever i do is more pragmatic and achievable.

BKK IS AWESOME.
GREAT COMPANY.
MARVELOUS SHOPPING.
FUN PEOPLE.
I AM CONTENTED AT BEST.

2010, i promise a better year with personal breakthroughs and greater achievements. I claim that in the name of Jesus. AMEN 😀

thought of you crossed my mind, you entered my thoughts just like that. what can i say. 🙂

when part of me died, you died too.

“Merry Christmas” she wiped the tears as the words echoed in her head.
Glancing through the glass window as the car moves, she slipped into her reverie.
The memories that chained her thoughts.
She wrestled with her inner feelings and struggled with the truth.
Sometimes, it gets to hard to breathe.
She hyperventilates.
She stopped.
And closed her eyes, as tears rolled down her cheekbones.
She laid back on the car pillow and sucked in a deep, long breath.
Counting to ten, she exhale slowly.
With each breath releasing the different segments of her mind.

She was told that she was strong, that is a compliment dear to her heart.

She takes pride in being strong, despite being so broken.

She is full of attitude, she is an attitude bitch.
She doesnt talk to you unless she likes your face.
People often misjudged her but she doesnt bother.

If you cant understand her silence, then you certainly do not deserve her words.

This Christmas has been good.
Thank you Jesus.

In retrospect.

i shall be nice to myself,
and stop thinking about you.

i shall learn to love myself,
and start to forget about you.

i shall let go of myself,
and start to stop loving you.

“Everything is beautiful in retrospect”

Do you not agree to the above statement, darling?
it completely explains the state that we are in today.

to him, from her.

The clamour of life overwhelmed me.
The depth of reality found its residence in my soul.
I am now barely surviving in a fast paced society, where the speed of progression is pressing upon me like a million of anvils.
Too caught up with the responsibilities in my life to be involved in the happenings around me. what an irony.
A few more days to the month of decemeber, i just realised.

The weather has been great lately.
The breeze could literally lift up my spirits.
My burdens are carried away by the lightness of the wind, leaving its freshness and tranquility behind to invade and invigorate the remaining senses that is left of me.

I love the month of december.
Its the end of the year, it marks the end of all that had happened this entire year.
Its the month of Christmas, the season for love.
The season where i actually FEEL love.
If there is any time of the year that could make me fall in love, it is the month of december.

To even acknowledge the fact that i typed the above statement is something different from the usual me, for those who genuinely know the way I am.
I miss having a crush on a boy. (Crushes are for boys, and love, men)
I miss being in love.
I miss being loved.
I miss having a special someone whose voice is the first thing i listen to every morning.
I miss having a special someone to hug.
I miss having a special someone to kiss.

There is just something about the Christmas month somehow.
It is, to me, a symbol of change. The birth of Christ is the symbol of hope, peace, love and joy altogether.
Christmas, to me, is the most important season of the year.
Chinese new year is only enticing because of the red packets that I received.

This december, let me once again believe in love.
Let me not be a scrooge and the cynic that i always am for this month.

It could well get me through to the month of december, at least.

I am a bare survivor at its best.

at least, when all else fails, we are still friends.

I helped out at my centre’s K2 graduation concert earlier today. Really loved their performances, which features the different disney fairytale scenes.
The theme was “The adventures of Aladdin”
I specially loved the ballroom scene done by one of the schools; the girls were in child sized gowns and the boys, in tuxedo making them look so suave and charming.
That was the ballroom scene extracted from Cinderella.
Love it, absolutely. It matched the children so well. At the age of 5-6, all that is in their world is happily ever after, and more happily ever after.
Judging from the way they were so engrossed in their roles, I could totally sense the innocence in them, from where I was standing.

Those angelic faces, with genuine happiness written across their features, never fail to captivate me. I was touched, deeply. At a point of time, I almost teared.

If only I could be like them, just for a day will do.
Just to believe in all the things that I know i would never believe now.

Just to let me believe in happily ever after, for once.
Believe that wishes come true.
Believe that I could dance with you forever and ever.
Believe that you could awaken me with the kiss of true love.
Believe that we could go on a magic carpet ride.
Believe that you would love me ever ever after.
Believe that I could lie in your arms till the end of time.
Believe that you would be there to catch me when I fall.

And while all these are impossible, allow me to indulge in dreams for a minute or two.
I promise I will wake up.
And if I dont, remember not to wake me up.
Just

let

me

go.

I am not who you think I am.

I’ve tried.
I opened up.
But what I got in return was another lapse of pain.
another cycle of hurt.
memories to deepen the wound.
And these memories have turned septic, devouring the fragility of the inner side.
Compelled not to feel, i plunged to an abyss of black.
Emotions were purged out of this drained soul, dry and empty.
Nonchalance is the middle name; Numb, the first.

I dont believe in genuine happiness.
I dont believe that good things last.
I dont believe that one can be happy, despite the knowing that happiness is a choice.
I am not given a choice to experience happiness, at all.
My smiles are nothing.
My laughter are merely facades of the broken soul that this physical body is embedded so deeply in.

Most of the times, I dont show my feelings.
I dont express my inner thoughts.
If you get me, you get me.
If not, you are better away from me.
I believe strongly in my actions, rather than my words.
If you cant comprehend my actions, you dont understand me at all.
AT
ALL.