what went wrong.

what went wrong, mr li.
what went wrong between you, me and us.

what has happened to our friendship.
i miss you mr li. i hate to admit it, but i really do.
i have to force myself to be heartless, whenever i thought of you.
i do not like to be heartless, but i could. if i have to.
if you want me to.

the distance between us had maimed any channel of communication
any opportunity of reconciliation destroyed by the depth of our aloofness

things have gone too far, and the hurt, way too deep..
if this is what we used to regard as friendship, then i guess im better off without it..
perhaps i am better off without you, as a friend, in my life.

Life does provide choices, what it does not provide are solutions to problems.
Choices would determine consequences which would in turn account for solutions.
So, its evident that you have made a choice and are living with the consequence.
How much of a solution it is to you would be your personal secret. of which, is none of my concern.

Now, it is my concern to, however, make a decision and act upon it.
Or at least instigate myself to act upon it. Coerce my mind to go against heart.
Allow them to cross paths and create animosity.
Either way, its still gonna hurt. Just as bad.

looking through her eyes.

She holds the key to my heart.
She is the only human on Earth who could invoke emotions and provoke them out of me.
She is the only person who could make lost the ability of staying strong and the ability of not breaking down.

Tears surfaced at the corner of my eyes as I heard her speak, word by word, catching her breath after each word.
Her ears were watery as she confided in me the pain she had to undergo each morning.
She showed me the scar that was left behind after the operation where she had to adjust her vein. I was appalled at the fact that she kept hushed about it over the years.
I stretched out my hand to touch hers, warm and assuring against the cold surface of mine.
A total contradiction.
The wrinkles on her hand were the evidence of the years that she had toiled without any complains.
Together, we reminisced the past. We reviewed the memories that were so close to our heart despite knowing that it might elude us one day.
She was a symbol of strength, the pillar of resiliency.
And she still is. Just lacking in energy at times.

I scrutinized each and every feature on her ebony and slightly pigmented face.
Signs of old age resided comfortably on that oval shaped face of hers.
Signs of old age that I never know, or rather, convinced myself to acknowledge, until today.
I cannot bring myself to admit the fact that age is seriously catching up on her, faster than the speed of light.
But I have to.

I pray that God would bless her with days of bliss and peace, and make her days last the longest that it could last.
Dont take her away from me. Please God. I beg of you. Have mercy.
I choked on my words as I opened my mouth, intending to comfort her. But nothing came out.
I had to fake a smile to conceal the tears that were dying to escape from the sockets of my eyes.
I chose not to confront the issue just so that she would not see me breaking down and losing control of myself.
I had to be strong in front of her, as much as I do not want to.

Grandmama,
I love you more than words could say, more than my actions could prove.

HAPPY 2010!

Finally 2009 is over. I fucking hate that year.
Nonetheless, I thank God for it. All the experiences and life lessons that I have encountered and learn respectively.

No resolutions for this year, i no longer believe in that.
Seizing every moment and doing my best in whatever i do is more pragmatic and achievable.

BKK IS AWESOME.
GREAT COMPANY.
MARVELOUS SHOPPING.
FUN PEOPLE.
I AM CONTENTED AT BEST.

2010, i promise a better year with personal breakthroughs and greater achievements. I claim that in the name of Jesus. AMEN 😀

thought of you crossed my mind, you entered my thoughts just like that. what can i say. 🙂