In retrospect.

i shall be nice to myself,
and stop thinking about you.

i shall learn to love myself,
and start to forget about you.

i shall let go of myself,
and start to stop loving you.

“Everything is beautiful in retrospect”

Do you not agree to the above statement, darling?
it completely explains the state that we are in today.

to him, from her.

The clamour of life overwhelmed me.
The depth of reality found its residence in my soul.
I am now barely surviving in a fast paced society, where the speed of progression is pressing upon me like a million of anvils.
Too caught up with the responsibilities in my life to be involved in the happenings around me. what an irony.
A few more days to the month of decemeber, i just realised.

The weather has been great lately.
The breeze could literally lift up my spirits.
My burdens are carried away by the lightness of the wind, leaving its freshness and tranquility behind to invade and invigorate the remaining senses that is left of me.

I love the month of december.
Its the end of the year, it marks the end of all that had happened this entire year.
Its the month of Christmas, the season for love.
The season where i actually FEEL love.
If there is any time of the year that could make me fall in love, it is the month of december.

To even acknowledge the fact that i typed the above statement is something different from the usual me, for those who genuinely know the way I am.
I miss having a crush on a boy. (Crushes are for boys, and love, men)
I miss being in love.
I miss being loved.
I miss having a special someone whose voice is the first thing i listen to every morning.
I miss having a special someone to hug.
I miss having a special someone to kiss.

There is just something about the Christmas month somehow.
It is, to me, a symbol of change. The birth of Christ is the symbol of hope, peace, love and joy altogether.
Christmas, to me, is the most important season of the year.
Chinese new year is only enticing because of the red packets that I received.

This december, let me once again believe in love.
Let me not be a scrooge and the cynic that i always am for this month.

It could well get me through to the month of december, at least.

I am a bare survivor at its best.

at least, when all else fails, we are still friends.

I helped out at my centre’s K2 graduation concert earlier today. Really loved their performances, which features the different disney fairytale scenes.
The theme was “The adventures of Aladdin”
I specially loved the ballroom scene done by one of the schools; the girls were in child sized gowns and the boys, in tuxedo making them look so suave and charming.
That was the ballroom scene extracted from Cinderella.
Love it, absolutely. It matched the children so well. At the age of 5-6, all that is in their world is happily ever after, and more happily ever after.
Judging from the way they were so engrossed in their roles, I could totally sense the innocence in them, from where I was standing.

Those angelic faces, with genuine happiness written across their features, never fail to captivate me. I was touched, deeply. At a point of time, I almost teared.

If only I could be like them, just for a day will do.
Just to believe in all the things that I know i would never believe now.

Just to let me believe in happily ever after, for once.
Believe that wishes come true.
Believe that I could dance with you forever and ever.
Believe that you could awaken me with the kiss of true love.
Believe that we could go on a magic carpet ride.
Believe that you would love me ever ever after.
Believe that I could lie in your arms till the end of time.
Believe that you would be there to catch me when I fall.

And while all these are impossible, allow me to indulge in dreams for a minute or two.
I promise I will wake up.
And if I dont, remember not to wake me up.
Just

let

me

go.

I am not who you think I am.

I’ve tried.
I opened up.
But what I got in return was another lapse of pain.
another cycle of hurt.
memories to deepen the wound.
And these memories have turned septic, devouring the fragility of the inner side.
Compelled not to feel, i plunged to an abyss of black.
Emotions were purged out of this drained soul, dry and empty.
Nonchalance is the middle name; Numb, the first.

I dont believe in genuine happiness.
I dont believe that good things last.
I dont believe that one can be happy, despite the knowing that happiness is a choice.
I am not given a choice to experience happiness, at all.
My smiles are nothing.
My laughter are merely facades of the broken soul that this physical body is embedded so deeply in.

Most of the times, I dont show my feelings.
I dont express my inner thoughts.
If you get me, you get me.
If not, you are better away from me.
I believe strongly in my actions, rather than my words.
If you cant comprehend my actions, you dont understand me at all.
AT
ALL.