A day in her story.

It’s been a long long time since I’ve experienced genuine happiness.
To me, pure joy is very hard to come by, let alone genuine happiness.
What an awesome feeling to be bumping into the person whom you previously thought about and missed badly.
You’ve got to experience it to know it, really.

Bumped into beloved brother this morning at my second bus stop.
Just standing there as our eyes met, giving each other that retarded look makes me smile like a fool, unconsciously.
Best of it is the fact that he flashed across my mind this morning before I left the house. It’s almost like an answered prayer, except that i did not exactly prayed to actually see him.
Just his presence there alone was comforting enough. Loved his nonsense despite the fact that he is super duper lame.
For once, i felt its great to actually smile.
I sound like I’m in love, wth. too bad I am not.
This is WAY BETTER THAN LOVE.
Love is painful; this is not.
Love hurts; this heals.

Sometimes, friendships are still better than relationships. Despite the possibilities between, its still better to be loved as friends and nothing else.

At least I know I’ll have you forever in my life, which is more than enough.
I love you too much as a friend to jeopardize the friendship we had.
I believe you’ll share the same too, dearest.

Spiral of emotions, aloof and meaningless.

i am fine.
i just have to believe i am, and i will be.
someone just told me something that make me wonder. the words seemed to have a little impact on me.
i need to clear this up before it goes into a mess.
here i go again, settling another problem, facing another problem and the consequences of hurt. again.
once again.
alone.
it’ll be alright.
i will be fine.
i have done this before, i can do it again. i wont cry. i wont let the tears drop, no matter what. no matter how.
and someone support me. tell me that this is right, that i should not cry, that tears is nt the way to go.
that i am right to hurt myself, as always.
i rather hurt myself.
whats new.

Many options, one decision.

That is how life can get to you.
Life gives us options, we decide the way.
No matter how painful I know it is going to be and will be, I will choose the path without you.
I’d rather the hurting be done by myself to me, than you to me.
I have not changed.
Not
one
bit.
I cant cry, anymore.
I cant feel at all.
I really cant.

3.2 is a killer.

Its only the 2nd day of 3.2 and I am feeling the pressure. Literally I am feeling it. There is an assignment due next monday and hell, I have yet to start. And looking at my financial burdens, I can literally just faint and die. I hate to have responsibilities at times.
It sucked me up like a vampire. Drier than ever.
And my freaking menses is so late, i wished for it to come quicker. I want to get it over and done with. I simply tolerating erratic mood swings because of pre menstrual syndrome. Piss me off.
I dont feel good; I dont like such feeling.
I need therapy.

I could do well without you.

I have so much anger in me to dissipate that I do not know where to start from.
Dont even get me started.
Disappointed with the people around me, giving stupid excuses and claiming that its reasons on their side.
Dont give me this kind of shit, fella. I can do without it.

Calm down pam.
Chill.
Relax.
Breathe.

Love me now or forever hold your peace

Once in a while, we need to go back to the basics, to nurture our foundation and strengthen it. Nonetheless, we are not to be submerged into a tinge of complacency lest we fall hard on ourselves. While strengthening the basics is essential, the renewal of the mind is something we can never live without.

Renewal of the mind has to be a habit, an ingrown habit. People change, things transform, situations morph. It is difficult to search for reasons to nullify the consequences of renewing the mind. If you could ever find some, bear in mind that those are excuses, not exactly reasons for that matter.

Of late, I bought a bottle of apple vinegar (organic,so its ultimately healthy) which would aid in the process of burning calories and weight loss. I am waiting with anticipation for the results, like a toddler who anticipates the time he finally got to hold onto the milk bottle and suckle the milk as he watches each and every step of the preparation of the milk done by the caregiver.

Whoa, too much child-related analogies. All credits to the kind of situations that I am handling daily. About the debate where the apple vinegar actually causes a placebo effect on consumers, I would like to ignore it. Life is too short to think too much. Ironic to hear this statement coming out from me.

Then again, life is full of ironies, like what I always loved to say.
Life is, I am not.
Whatever life is not, I am.

You’re mine, but I’m not yours.

Sometimes, I believe that God deliberately allow incidents to happen in my life, just so that I could understand the lessons that He wanted so much for me to learn. I could totally relate this act of concern in my daily encounter at work. There are times where I deliberately allow “accidents” to happen to the children, all with the inner desire that they would understand the valuable life lessons that I want to cultivate in them.
Those that who work constantly with children would understand when I say that children do not listen to you most of the time. To add to your frustration, if that is already not enough, they do the opposite of what you say.

Ask them to stop and they’ll move.
Tell them to keep quiet and they’ll rattle on endlessly.
Ask them to move to the left and they’ll gladly move to the right for you.

Trust me, this ALWAYS happens. That is why I sense the imperative need to let them experience “pain” or rather, learn certain things the hard way, literally.
Ultimately, the children knows that I love them from the bottom of my heart, just like how I know that God loves me like His child.

Every morning, I bring my children to the outdoor for a morning walk and each time, I hold a different child’s hand. While the truth about children being unique stands, I realised that it could also be applied in the way they hold your hand.
Each child holds my hand differently, I must say. Amazing but ever so true. Just the other day, i was holding onto two children. The one on my right did not require much effort from me. It was very secure; even as I let go of the child’s hand, the child understands that he has to go back to me and hold my hand until we reached school.

The one on my left however, was difficult. He would stop and let go of my hand whenever he liked it, and he would not come back to me. Instead he would remain stationary at that spot. I had to drag him literally by gripping onto his arm tightly. I do not like it at all. Ultimately, I let go of his hand and proceeded with the rest of the children, leaving that toddler sitting at his comfort spot all by himself as he watch us depart further and further from him.

I could use the above scenario as an analogy to the kind of man I want as my partner, life partner. Having said that, I want a man with whom I can feel secure with, someone whom I can let go and yet possess the discipline to come back to me at the end of the day. Someone whom is mature enough to know where he is supposed to be heading to ultimately.
Definitely not someone whom I need to exert so much effort in the many attempts just to make him stay by me. It is very strenuous, draining and heart breaking.

Knowing myself clearly, I would rather leave. I’ll be better off alone that way, seriously.

Love is not something I would want to do without, but it is definitely not something that I cannot live without. I would still be fine the way I am.
At least I have the courage to believe that way. Can you say the same for yourself?

“The brain sees what the heart wants it to feel.” Something different from the cliche “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”
Food for thought, people.

if its possible, let it be to you and me.

thinking of the many possibilities between us, if God wills.

Life is indeed beyond our control.

Anything, and i really mean, ANYTHING can happen and will happen.

Sometimes i need to have more faith. just that extra amount will do wonders.

Cmon pam. dont stop here. keep praying, keep holding the faith.

Start believing.

I should be in your arms, right here. right now.

the innocence of a child’s mind is something that never fails to amaze.

the beauty of life from a child’s perspective, the concept of simplicity living in his mind could be sources of comfort at times.

it was said that a child laughs 400-600 times per day, whereas grown ups, 4-6 times. Lessen by the hundreds. how vast the difference is.

Is the reality of life too hard to handle? Or that the stinging pain of the blatant truths in our lives are just so overwhelming that, with each breath we take, the pain gets stronger and deeper.. So much so that we wished that we are not breathing at all. We wished that there is no life in us. No hopes, no dreams, no goals, nothing in us and with us.

Certain hurts are not worth going through but we chose to go through it. Just like how i consciously allow those memories to resurface by looking at those photos over and over again. Trying to make sense of every expression, recalling the different looks that I once possessed. The times when I laid in your arms, the times when our lips met, the times when the embrace was so real and warmth i could feel your skin.

I gave myself the permission to be hurt. I am not sadistic; i am just dealing with unresolved buried emotions suppressed for a time long enough to be released.

I am only human. I feel with my heart, I think with my heart, I even do with my heart. These are times where I need to listen to my heart and ignore the thoughts in my head.

At least, these are times when I genuinely feel alive.

Thank you Jesus.

the conundrum in life is being in a constant race against yourself. now, why would we want to compete against ourselves?

should we not seek to love our ourselves? should we not learn to be contented with what life has given us?

whatever the reasons are, we are never satisfied or cannot be satisfied.

thoughts of inadequacy and feelings inferior complexity infills our mind almost every now and then, injecting negative effects into our broken and defeated soul.

we are not defeated by the people around us but rather by the thoughts in our mind which control almost our every action.

for mostly, we act upon our perception and beliefs. these two are based strongly upon the works in our mind, isnt it?

Personally, to love myself is a challenge i face everyday. Seriously, i struggle to love myself. there are times where i do not like the thoughts in my head.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For the thoughts I have towards you are thoughts of good and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope”

this is the answer to my first struggle.

Secondly, I am a perfectionist. Therefore, I struggle to do my very best daily and to meet my daily goals. There are times, countless of times, where I am so tempted to do things haphazardly and just do it for the sake of doing. However, I was convicted. Being the child of God, I strive to do everything with a spirit of excellence, regardless of how minor a task is.

“With God, all things are possible”

“All things work out for the good of those who loved Him and is called according to His purpose”

“The joy of the Lord is my strength”

Remedies to my second struggle.

Lastly, my final struggle is the feeling of inadequacy. More often that not, I battled against thoughts of inferiority, thoughts of being small and thoughts of not being someone great, thoughts of not having much achievement.

But God will never fail to say to me, “Do not despise the days of small beginnings.” “For when you are an infant, did you not start small to get to where you are now today?

The Lord would also say, “Eye has not seen, nor ear has heard, the things that I have in mind for you, therefore, hold fast the confession of your hopes without wavering, for I am faithful, says the Lord.

“I AM FAITHFUL”, says the Lord.

Amen. thank you Jesus.